OTIDT Outtakes: Monday October 25

Other things I did on Monday that could've been turned into One Thing I Did Today entries:

• My job for the day was to basically act as an on-site representative for Dominion Voting, the company who provided the software and machines for tabulating election results. If anything went wrong, I was supposed to be there to "help." I'd received about two hours of training, so I wasn't expecting to be able to do much, but when I arrived in the town of LaSalle, they were getting error messages galore. After looking through their setup, I realized that they had an older version of the software! I e-mailed Dominion HQ, got the newest version e-mailed to me, and installed it on their computers. Things ran MUCH smoother after that. I believe the phrase "saved the day" was thrown around when they discussed my contributions. You're welcome, LaSalle residents, for saving democracy.
• Amherstburg's setup had no problems, so I wasn't needed much there, but there was one highlight: among the scrutineers watching the results being tabulated was an outspoken old woman who constantly asked questions and seemed generally suspicious of the process. At one point, she called the chief election officer in Amherstburg a "bitch." I know this not because I witnessed it, but because both parties mentioned it to me later (old lady: "I shouldn't have called her a bitch..."; election officer: "at least you didn't get called a bitch today!")
• For breakfast, I went to a restaurant called Cora's and ordered the most ridiculous plate of fruit I'd ever seen. It was easily the most fruit I've eaten in one meal in my life, even counting fruit salads. It was also the first time I can remember ordering a meal which the menu describes in terms like "beautiful" and "lavishly cut."
  

iTunes Playlist: "favsongs"

Earlier this month, I made reference on One Thing I Did Today to a playlist I'd compiled on iTunes: 17 songs that I could absolutely listen to over and over without getting sick of them. I was asked about these songs since then, so I figured I might as well share them here.

Now, here's the thing about this list: I don't consider these the best songs in the world, or even in my collection. They're not necessarily the most-played tracks in my iTunes, and they aren't necessarily the ones I'd mention first if I was asked to rhyme off a few all-time classics. I'm not even sure if I'd call some of them my favourite songs, despite what the playlist title suggests. But as of right now, October 18th of 2010, these are the songs that I'd have an incredibly hard time skipping if I heard their first five seconds(*). That's it.

(*) Qualifier: I've also had them in my iTunes for at least a few months, so that I've had ample opportunity to get sick of them. Otherwise, Rihanna's "Only Girl (in the World)" would definitely be making the cut....

Here they are:

Favourite songs from favourite bands

The Thermals - A Pillar of Salt
The Hold Steady - Your Little Hoodrat Friend
The Strokes - 12:51

Short and sweet

The Marked Men - Fortune
...And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead - Eight Day Hell
Deer Tick - Ashamed

Incredible post-bridge conclusions

The Speedies - Time
Plants and Animals - Bye Bye Bye
Islands - Rough Gem

Secretly the best songs they've ever been involved in

Loretta Lynn - Portland, Oregon (feat. Jack White)
Teddybears - Punkrocker (feat. Iggy Pop)
Julian Casablancas - Out of the Blue

Perfect female-sung hooks

Santigold - Lights Out
Major Lazer - Keep it Goin' Louder (feat. Nina Sky & Ricky Blaze)

Party hard

Andrew W.K. - Ready to Die
Andrew W.K. - I Get Wet

The one I forgot until I saw I'd only listed 16 here

Spiritualized - Soul on Fire

Memorable Quotes: Lap Dance

"Oh, great! Here we go. I'm just another cock getting wired into the global economy. Uhhh, how should I look like? Bond-like neutrality? As though I'm so used to real-life naked women? Or, don't want to be rude... smiling encouragement? That's not a leer, is it? Got to avoid the leer at all costs. And the dribble. Oh God, she looks amazing. This really should not be allowed. This is what men want and we shouldn't be allowed to have it because it's horrible and it make you feel sick! Oh great, now I'm getting an erection. How grimly predictable."
- Mark Corrigan, Peep Show

Odds & Ends: Ice, Traveling, Repeating Oneself, YouTube

Thoughts while trying to get to sleep last night:

• I'm always torn over whether or not to get ice when I buy a fountain pop. On one hand, I prefer not to dilute the flavour of, say, my Dr. Pepper with a handful of ice cubes that will eventually water down the drink. On the other hand, no ice means that I have to plow through an oversized Dr. P in ten minutes or less, lest it get all warm and gross.
• I generally resent people who travel a lot, particularly overseas. I mean, I'm not a jerk about it, but it's there on some level. It's not necessarily a matter of being jealous -- often I wouldn't care to go to the places they're going. It stems more from the fact that I feel very protective of my own city and country, and almost take it as a sign of disrespect that these travelers are constantly trying to get away from it.
• When I'm talking to someone and they have to ask me to repeat myself a couple times, I feel really embarrassed, like I'm speaking way too low or mumbling. But when I have to ask someone to repeat themselves multiple times, I feel equally embarrassed, like they're speaking at a standard volume and my hearing is just awful. I should let myself off the hook in one situation or the other, right? But which??
• I don't really get people who can spend hours at a time on YouTube, clicking from one video to another. I mean, if there's a specific focus to their browsing (say they're watching performance videos for '60s songs and keep seeing related videos that look good), I sort of understand it. But random meme-ish videos? Ugh. Whenever someone links me to a video like this, I assume it will suck until it proves otherwise. This is why I didn't watch Double Rainbow until about a week after it blew up.
  
• Things I don't do nearly as much anymore that were a huge part of my formative years: Watch movies, go to live shows, chat on MSN.
  

Memorable Quotes: "Past Surprise"

"Past hope. Past kindness or consideration. Past justice. Past satisfaction. Past warmth or cold or comfort. Past love. But past surprise? What an endlessly unfolding tedium life would then become!"
-- Francis Wolcott, Deadwood

Some Contenders for Single of the Year

Hardly a comprehensive list...

Things I've Written

Randomly decided to take inventory of what I've written online since the Sports-Den/Xanga era. As far as I can tell/remember, it breaks down as follows:

• 1335 posts at One Thing I Did Today
• 1314 tweets under @jlukeadams
• 396 stories for MLB Trade Rumors
• 272 entries on Livejournal
  
• 142 entries at I Like These Lyrics
• 61 tweets under @championsblog
• 47 entries at One Thing I Remembered Today
• 39 posts at My Opinions On...
• 26 posts at These Are Things I Think About
• 25 Facebook notes
• 9 entries at Champions of America's Pastime
• 9 blurbs for OFG Radio
• 7 posts for MuchMusic
• 7 pieces (4 reviews, 3 features) for Stylus Magazine
  
• 5 entries for ExtravaDanza

Planning My Pitchfork Festival Schedule

Yes, I'm reviving this blog from the dead for a post that will mostly only be of interest to me. And maybe the handful of other people I know who will be at the Pitchfork Festival next month.

So let's do this. Green and bold is for artists I REALLY want to see. Red is for artists I have no interest in seeing. Black is for artists who I wouldn't mind seeing if the opportunity arises.

Friday July 16 (gates at 3 p.m.):

3:30 Sharon Van Etten (a)
4:00 The Tallest Man on Earth (c)
4:35 El-P (a)
5:30 Liars (c)
5:45 Hannibal Buress (b)
6:25 Robyn (a)
6:30 Wyatt Cenac (b)
7:15 Michael Showalter (b)
7:20 Broken Social Scene (c)
8:00 Eugene Mirman (b)
8:30 Modest Mouse (a)

Saturday July 17 (gates at 12 p.m.):

1:00 Free Energy (a)
1:00 Netherfriends (b)
1:45 Real Estate (c)
1:55 Sonny and the Sunsets (b)
2:30 Delorean (a)
2:50 Kurt Vile (b)
3:20 Titus Andronicus (c)
3:45 Dâm-Funk (b)
4:15 Raekwon (a)
4:45 Smith Westerns (b)
5:15 Blues Explosion (c)
5:45 WHY? (b)
6:15 Wolf Parade (a)
6:45 Bear in Heaven (b)
7:25 Panda Bear (c)
7:40 Freddie Gibbs (b)
8:30 LCD Soundsystem (a)

Sunday July 18 (gates at 12 p.m.):

1:00 Allá (a)
1:00 Cave (b)
1:45 Cass McCombs (c)
1:55 Best Coast (b)
2:30 Girls (a)
2:50 Washed Out (b)
3:20 Beach House (c)
3:45 Local Natives (b)
4:15 Lightning Bolt (a)
4:45 Surfer Blood (b)
5:15 St. Vincent (c)
5:45 Here We Go Magic (b)
6:15 Major Lazer (a)
6:45 Neon Indian (b)
7:25 Big Boi (c)
7:40 Sleigh Bells (b)
8:30 Pavement (a)

Now that I've written all this out, my schedule-making decisions look much easier. The only real problems:

• Wish the comedians were starting a little earlier Friday night. Not overly excited about El-P or Liars, and wouldn't mind having a few laughs instead.
  
• Big gap between Smith Westerns and Freddie Gibbs on Saturday. Guess I'll be getting dinner and watching Wolf Parade again during those hours.
• I wouldn't mind seeing ANY of the bands from Best Coast to Surfer Blood on Sunday, which means I'll have to pick and choose. I'm guessing after Best Coast, I'll catch a little Washed Out, then all of Beach House and at least some of Lightning Bolt out of curiousity.
• Sunday night is another tough one. Looks like I'll have to miss Sleigh Bells, which is too bad.
  

Favourite Moments in The Sopranos

My major TV-watching project this year has been watching The Sopranos. Lisa and I started watching it together around the beginning of 2010, but when I broke my arm in the second week of the year, it resulted in way too much sitting-around-and-resting time for me to wait for her to watch the rest. So, over the course of the last few months, I've plowed through the series' 86 hour-long episodes on my own. This culminated in a mini-marathon yesterday, when I watched the final six episodes and eventually, at about 1:30 am, saw that infamous "Don't Stop Believin"(*) final scene that I'd read so much about. Loved it. The performances, the story arcs, the dream sequences. It was all great.

(*) I'm on the fence about Glee as a whole, but the pilot for that show was fantastic, and pretty much defined by the performance of "Don't Stop Believin" at the end. Add that to this Sopranos episode and even a pretty solid moment in a third season episode of Scrubs and I feel like it's become the go-to TV-moment song. "Hallelujah," you're yesterday's news.

So, as a sort of instant, reactionary exercise, a few indelible moments from the series as a whole. Those who don't want to be spoiled should probably stop reading now, if you haven't already....

Livia and Junior conspire to kill Tony
1.10: Nobody Knows Anything
YouTube

I have to admit that it took me a while to appreciate how amazing Livia was as a character. The way she played the "poor me" (not to be confused with "oh, poor you") angle while subtly manipulating everyone around her was a pretty terrific character study. Her ability to put the idea of whacking Tony into Junior's head and then back away from any responsibility in these scenes is amazing.

The failed hit on Tony
1.12: Isabella
YouTube

The first really memorable action sequence involving one of the main characters, this scene was also a good example of how well The Sopranos utilized music to create a certain mood. Sure, The Wire's ability to avoid it altogether was admirable, but sometimes the right song, edited the right way, can have a huge impact. Here, it depicted Tony finally snapping out of a depression-induced haze and saving his life.



Livia's wake
3.2: Proshai, Livushka
YouTube

I'm glad this Youtube sequence is as long at is, but I wish it was even longer. Because the scenes leading up to the wake, showing how the various characters prepared for it, were tremendous too. But man... this scene just brings one great moment after another. Janice awkwardly forcing people to try to something nice about Livia. Fanny, the woman who Livia once ran over with her car, being the only one to say something nice about her. Chris, high out of his mind, delivering a nonsensical monologue that ended with him unable to remember what his point was. And finally, Carmela and her dad telling it like it is.

Ralph kills Tracee the stripper
3.6: University
YouTube

This was the episode that killed any notion I had that these characters weren't that bad. It wasn't just this horrifically violent scene, where Ralph destroys Tracee's dreams, then kills her and their unborn child. It was the treatment she received from a slew of the series' protagonists over the course of the hour. Because of this episode, the Kinks' "Living on a Thin Line," which Tracee dances to at one point, still gives me goosebumps every time I hear it.

Jackie Jr.'s failed attempt to rob the card game
3.12: Amour Fou
YouTube

One of the best action sequences of the series, this reminded me of the episode in the second season of The Wire where Ziggy Sobotka seals his fate by shooting up Double-G and company. Jackie Aprile Jr. had been established as a screw-up, but to see him ruin his life in such dramatic, devastating fashion was mesmerizing.

Christopher's intervention
4.10: The Strong, Silent Type
YouTube

All due respect to Arrested Development, this is the most hilariously disastrous intervention I've ever seen on television. I'm not an expert on these things, but I don't think they're supposed to end with the subject of the intervention cracking his skull after being attacked by his supporters. The sequence also features one of my favourite exchanges in the entire series:

Silvio: "When I came in to open up one morning, there you were with your head half in the toilet. Your hair was in the toilet water. Disgusting."
Christopher: "I told you I had the flu!"
Silvio: "I said my piece, Chrissy."

It's impossible for me to watch this without laughing.

Tony and Carmela separate
4.13: Whitecaps
YouTube

The acting throughout the entire series was mostly superb, but if I had to point to one episode as a tour-de-force display of acting prowess, it'd be "Whitecaps." The domestic problems between Tony and Carmela came to a head in this one, and James Gandolfini and Edie Falco just nailed it in every one of their scenes. Incredible.

A.J.'s suicide attempt + Tony knocks Coco's teeth out
6.19: The Second Coming
YouTube + YouTube

One of my favourite episodes of the series in large part due to these two sequences. A.J. immediately regretting his attempt to kill himself but unable to save himself until Tony came home was one of the most devastating scenes I've ever seen on television. I have to admit there was times during the series when I wasn't a huge fan of Robert Iler (A.J.), but that sequence... wow. As for Tony's retaliation on the New York crew after Coco harassed Meadow... well, the series had some brutal moments, but Coco getting his teeth knocked out was the only one that made me yell at my screen in shock/disgust/whatever-else. Brutal.



The final scene
6.21: Made in America
YouTube

Everyone's already said everything that can be said about this scene and this episode, so I'll just add: I love it, and I'm totally on board with David Chase's style of television-making. I really like something he said in regard to the Russian from "Pine Barrens," whose whereabouts remained unknown: "They shot a guy. Who knows where he went? Who cares about some Russian? This is what Hollywood has done to America. Do you have to have closure on every little thing? Isn't there any mystery in the world?" I think the same could be said about the series' final scene. Who knows what happened after the screen went black. Whether Tony was killed, arrested, or continued to eat onion rings in peace is up for the viewer to decide, with the help of a slew of hints. And that's all I need. People who want everything spelled out explicitly are the most irritating kind of TV viewers, and I imagine I'll be saying the same thing on Monday, after Lost's series finale. Do you have to have closure on every little thing? Of course, in fairness, I also don't expect Lost to leave questions unanswered as effectively and interestingly as The Sopranos did. Kudos, David Chase.

OTIDT Outtakes: Tuesday April 27

Other things I did on Tuesday that could've been turned into One Thing I Did Today entries:

• When I was taking the Spadina streetcar to the baseball game, we passed a policeman on a horse walking down the street. Whether or not this is a typical occurrence (I certainly haven't seen it since moving here), it was such a bizarre thing to me. If this police officer sees a crime being committed, would he chase the criminals on horseback? This is 2010. Why are there horses roaming the streets of the biggest city in the country?
• At the Jays' game, we had the pleasure of sitting near a pair of attention-starved blond girls for an inning or two. They were so desperate for everyone in our section to notice them that they sported homemade Boston shirts and constantly cheered for the Red Sox despite admitting they didn't know a single player on the team; they loudly demanded to know where the beer guy was every couple minutes; they got the guy with them to take photos of them kissing.
• Part of my job for MLB Trade Rumors is to monitor our Twitter feed (made up of local and national baseball writers) for stories we can use. These writers often include lineup updates, and last night one Flordia Marlins beat writer made an unfortunate typo in one tweet. Rather than announcing that Cody Ross would miss the evening's game because he was feeling a little sick, the writer wrote that Ross was out because he was "feeling a little dick." That one got deleted quickly.
  

iTunes Playlist: "bestoflcd"

So, in planning for this summer's Pitchfork Festival, I was reminded that Cali had never listened to LCD Soundsystem before, crazy as that sounds. She's probably heard stuff like "Beat Connection" and "Daft Punk is Playing at my House" in bars and so on, but never actually sat down and listened to them.

Considering there are plenty of other artists we need to school ourselves on before July, I didn't want to overwhelm her by handing over the entire LCD Soundsystem discography. Instead, I decided to put together an 80-minute "best of" mix CD for her. I tried to capture just the right mix of essential songs, my favourite songs, and songs that they were likely to play at the Festival. Trickier than it sounds, particularly since most of their tracks aren't exactly the three- or four-minute variety.

Here's what I came up with:



I don't like not having room for "Daft Punk is Playing at my House," and the new album is underrepresented, but otherwise I feel good about this collection of songs.

Movies vs. Television

When I tell people that I hardly ever watch any movies, the most typical response is a reasonable one: "But you were a film major!" This is true. And it's not that four years of film classes turned me off the medium entirely. There are few things I enjoy more than sitting back and watching well-crafted characters partake in an engaging story on screen. My problem with movies is more about the structure of feature films in general. Generally, stories are told over the course of about two hours -- sometimes less than that, sometimes more. This means introducing the main characters, establishing a reason for the viewer to be invested in these characters, and using them to tell an interesting and entertaining story, all in a mere 120 minutes.

This just doesn't do it for me most of the time. Oddly, I find the timeframe both too short and too long. On one hand, the internet age(*) has made it difficult for me to sit in place for two straight hours watching a movie, unless I'm VERY invested in what I'm watching. On the other hand, I enjoy epic, complex plots, and often even three hours isn't long enough to tell stories like that.

(*) Along with my neck and back problems.

This is why I love television so much. It gives me the best of both worlds: Episodes typically range from 20 minutes for network sitcoms to 60 minutes for some HBO or BBC dramas. They're short enough that I don't lose interest over the course of a single episode. PLUS, a full season ranges from six episodes for BBC shows to 20+ episodes for American network programs.

The perfect example is a serialized show such as The Wire, which typically ran for about 12 55-minute episodes -- 11 hours to tell the stories they wanted to! And that's not even taking into consideration multiple seasons. Multiply The Wire by five seasons and that's 55 hours of material! A novel compared to any feature film, but digestible in smaller, self-contained chunks as well. Win-win. Perfect.

Whenabouts

Occasionally I'll use the non-word "whenabouts" in day-to-day conversation. It doesn't really make sense to me that "whereabouts" is a word while whenabouts isn't. Whenabouts actually seems like it'd have a better case at being a real word than whereabouts does. Consider the following exchange:

Person #1: "Did you hear that Best Coast is playing a show in town tonight?"
Person #2: "Oh yeah? Whereabouts?"
Person #1: "At the Garrison."

No one would question the use of whereabouts there, but all Person #2 really needed to say was "where?" What's the point of the "abouts" in that instance? Best Coast isn't playing in the general vicinity of the Garrison -- she's playing at the Garrison. Now consider this conversation:

Person #1: "I think I'm gonna go to that house party tonight."
Person #2: "Oh yeah? Whenabouts?"
Person #1: "Ehh, maybe 10-ish."

In this case, Person #2 is actually asking for an approximation. "When?" is stronger, and implies that Person #1 is planning to arrive at exactly a certain hour. Given the lack of punctuality by most people I know, I feel like whenabouts could be an extremely useful word for a lot of people.

Indie Rock Songs I Liked When I Was 16 (And Still Like Now)

Sparklehorse - Chaos of the Galaxy/Happy Man

Man. When I first heard this song, and for years afterward, it seemed much more uplifting than it should. When the washed-out static of the "Chaos of the Galaxy" portion finally gives way to the clean riffs of "Happy Man," it feels... optimistic. Given last month's suicide of Sparklehorse frontman Mark Linkous, I'm never going to listen to this song in the same way. And perhaps now I'll hear it the way it was intended to be heard: The refrain of "all I want is to be a happy man" is less the declaration of a simple goal, more an unattainable dream. Damn.


The Dismemberment Plan - The City

I remember in my 11th grade English class, the teacher had an online discussion board that every member of the class could access. It was the first time in my scholastic career that a class had ever used the internet in such a way and, typically, we abused it. One discussion thread on this page involved my classmates recommending music to one another. Considering that I was approximately 500 times more comfortable online than I was in person at that time in my life, my recommendations were enthusiastic and frequent. And always stuff like this song. I wonder how many of my classmates actually took me up on them.


12 Rods - Make-Out Music

I discovered Pitchfork in 2001 when I was scouring the internet looking for things written about my new favourite album, the Strokes' Is This It? Back then, Pitchfork seemed more like a website that a bunch of buddies threw together because they liked music, rather than one with the obligation to be the internet's definitive music publication. Pitchfork reviews these days are VERY safe, concerned with capturing the general consensus on a given album rather than ever going out on a limb. When they started, their reviews were incredibly subjective, which led to some weirdly high or weirdly low scores. Two of my favourite instances: Ryan Schreiber trashing Daft Punk's Discovery, and Schreiber awarding a perfect score to 12 Rods' Gay? EP. I believe the Daft Punk review has since been modified to make it a bit more respectable, but that 12 Rods review? It's just GONE, along with the near-perfect score (9.7 if I remember correctly) that 12 Rods' debut full-length, Split Personalities, received. It's a shame. Neither album was worthy of THAT high a score maybe, but they were good records. "Make-Out Music" was on both.


The Microphones - The Glow, Pt. 2

I have to admit, it's been years since I've listened to this one. I got my current laptop in the summer of 2008, and have been using iTunes since, and this still has 0 plays in my iTunes. But wow, when this came out, I thought this song was incredible. The entire album is pretty moving, but this title track in particular got to me. The loud-to-soft dynamics, the bizarre imagery in the lyrics, and especially that part at about the 2:30 mark -- "my blooooooo-oooooood flows harshly" as the key changes underneath the vocals. Perfect.


Liz Phair - Flower

Of all the albums in this post, Exile in Guyville is probably the one I listen to most and think highest of now. Unlike the others though, it wasn't one I played all the way through when I was 16. Nope, I got stuck on this song, which was, at that point, the most mindblowing piece of lyrical poetry that my teenage mind could fathom. Yeah, it's not even one of the better songs on the album, but can you really blame me for noticing it first?

Odds & Ends: Caller ID, Polls, Kissing, Formspring, Mario, Headlines

Thoughts while sitting in boredom for hours at the hospital today:

• My cell phone has had caller ID on it for years. When I get a call, I KNOW who it is 90% of the time. Why do I still always answer with "hello?"
• I love online polls that provide three choices: Yes, No, and Undecided. Undecided somehow always has about 10% of the vote. What kind of person wants the world to know that they have absolutely no opinion on a given subject? Do they love answering polls that much? Can't they just click "View Results"??
• Years of watching TV and movie makeouts has made me really curious about what I look like while kissing. I suppose it doesn't matter, since generally no one is watching me. But even in the absence of an audience, I think I'd still feel embarrassed if I was as bad as some actors and actresses are.
  
• Formsprings seem like they should be more exciting than they are. They remind me of a porn film without nudity. The promise of anonymous questions makes it seem like you'll get some really juicy stuff, but I, for one, would feel dirty asking juicy questions just because I can maintain anonymity. And why would the recipient feel obligated to answer stuff like that anyway? I guess the harmless questions that get posed are still sort of amusing, but why not just ask those in ACTUAL conversation? If there's no nudity, why not make it a ACTUAL film instead of a porno, you know?
• A good nickname for Mario (of the Mario Bros.) would be "The Round Mound of Ground Pound."
• Headline on CP24 today: "Pakistani cricket player and Indian tennis star wed." I wonder how that cricket dude feels knowing that he's a mere player, while his new wife is a star.
  

The Borowski Rule

Ah, the Borowski Rule. This sports=life idea was concocted by Ben Nicholson-Smith and me during a baseball-watching, beer-drinking porch-sit a couple summers back, and is also known as: "How Dating is Like Managing a Baseball Team's Bullpen." Its name honours former Indians closer Joe Borowski, who just couldn't lose his closer's role no matter how poorly he pitched.

For those unfamiliar with how a baseball bullpen works, here's a quick summary: After a team's starting pitcher is removed from the game, pitching duties get turned over to the bullpen, a collection of 6-8 players of varying talent and importance. The most high-profile of these arms is the closer, who pitches the final inning of close games. The closer, however, is not necessarily the most talented pitcher in the bullpen, an important point to remember when considering the Borowksi Rule, which goes something like this.....

If a girl I'm interested in is dating a guy, then for our purposes, she is the team's manager, he is her closer, and I'm merely another pitcher in her bullpen(*). Whether this guy is a top-notch option (think: Mariano Rivera) or a bit of a shakier choice (maybe Matt Capps), he's the man for now. To get a shot at the closing job myself, it's not necessarily enough that I put up a 1.50 ERA and strike out a batter per inning(**) -- he's still the incumbent, and unless he screws up a few times(***), I'm probably not getting my shot at the 9th inning.

(*) The 8th-inning setup man, of course, is the equivalent of the next-in-line guy for this girl. If you're the 7th man in the bullpen, pitching mop-up duty, it's time to either become a better pitcher or find a less-crowded bullpen on another team.
(**) Or: be charming, attractive, and hilarious.

(***) Blows a few saves.

Let's extend the analogy a little further.

When a team has no clear-cut 9th inning option, there are a couple of common practices. The first is an open competition for the closer's job. It's up to the candidates to prove themselves capable of the position, earning that manager's trust in a high-pressure role. In this case, there is a defined winner -- the other options in the bullpen may be lurking, but for now, one guy has emerged as the closer. The second practice is a bit more complicated, which brings us to....

Situations to avoid if you hope to close:

• Closer-by-committee: In this situation, a team doesn't name an official closer. They're giving a few guys a shot at the 9th inning, hoping that one will emerge, but not being too concerned if no one does. Maybe this team just isn't even really LOOKING for a closer at the moment.
• The Mariano Rivera: The closer is straight-up getting the job done. He's proven it time and time again. He's not going to falter, and even if he somehow does, his leash is going to be looooong. There's no chance you're getting any saves here. Move on.
• The Brad Lidge: When a team has committed a ton of time and money to a particular player, he'll often get a plethora of chances to redeem himself, no matter how bad his performance is. This isn't a guy you want to be behind when you're a setup man, and really... you have to question the logic of a team that would do this, right? The theory's namesake, Joe Borowski, also falls into this category.
  
• The Mike Gonzalez: Sometimes a team will outright tell you that, while they may be on the outs with their 9th-inning guy at the moment, they're gonna give him another shot when he straightens things out. If you don't mind being the interim closer in the meantime, that's your prerogative, but just know that it's not going to last forever.
  

More Things I'm Looking Forward to This Summer

• Eating ice cream at The Big Chill.
• Hearing summer anthems blasted from open car windows.
• Blasting summer anthems while driving with open car windows.
• "Babes on bikes."
  
• The new Hold Steady album.
• And the new LCD Soundsystem album.
• And Wolf Parade. And The-Dream. And the New Pornographers. And The National. And Born Ruffians. And and and.
  
• Summer blockbuster movies? Are there any I'm looking forward to? Maybe Scott Pilgrim, if that counts as a blockbuster. I can't get on board with the Michael Cera backlash.
  
• More frequent visits from out-of-town friends no longer weighed down with schoolwork.

• Free shows at Yonge-Dundas Square and Harbourfront.
• Potentially getting back into that magical free, empty bar in Harbourfront Centre.
• Going to Canada's Wonderland.
• The last hour of the day at Canada's Wonderland when everyone is clearing out and there are no lineups for anything.
• The Behemoth.
• Having the fan in my room turned on 24 hours a day from May through September.
• Turning a darker shade of white.
• Baseball's trade deadline, which will make my job exciting again.
• Taking cold showers by choice, rather than dreading stepping out of the shower onto the cold bathroom floor.
  

Artists I've Seen Live

Since 2003, I've kept a .txt file saved on my hard drive, documenting the shows I've attended. The list isn't exhaustive, but it's pretty close. Any time I went out with the intent of seeing a live performance, I jotted down what I'd seen: artist, date, venue. If I ended up going out and seeing a band or two by accident, or if I wasn't really paying attention, it usually didn't make the list. And I'd have to be there for at least 50% of a set for it to warrant "seeing the band" -- catching a couple songs doesn't count. Basically, these are the artists I'm comfortable saying I've seen live over the past seven years.

7 times:

• Shout Out Out Out Out
  

6 times:

• Metric

5 times:

• Born Ruffians
• The Constantines

4 times:

• Controller.Controller
• The Golden Dogs
• Holy Fuck

3 times:

• Basia Bulat
• Islands
• Japandroids
• Junior Boys
• Mother Mother
  
• Thunderheist
• Woodhands

2 times:

• 120 Days
• Akron/Family
  
• And You Will Know us by the Trail of Dead
• Bocce
• Caribou
• Cool Kids
• Dan Deacon
  
• dd/mm/yyyy
• Death from Above 1979
• Do Make Say Think
• Dragonette
• Final Fantasy
• Franz Ferdinand
• Frightened Rabbit
• The Futureheads
• The GZA
  
• Hot Hot Heat
• Hylozoists
• LCD Soundsystem
• M.I.A.
• The Most Serene Republic
• The National
• Oh! The Pretty Things
• The Organ
• Pink Mountaintops
• Plants and Animals
• Polysics
• The Ponys
• Spiral Beach
• The Thermals
• Tokyo Police Club
• Uncut
• The Unicorns
• Wavves
• Wolf Parade
• You Say Party! We Say Die!
  

1 time:

• A Horse and His Boy
  
• The Acorn
• Apostle of Hustle
• Battles
• BBU (Bin Laden Blowin' Up)
  
• Beach House
• Beirut
• Bellflur
  
• The Black
• Black Lips
  
• Bloc Party
• Bryan Webb
  
• Built to Spill
  
• Cadence Weapon
• Califone
  
• Camouflage Nights
• Carcrasheyes
• Chromeo
  
• Circuit Breaker
• Clipse
• The Coast
  
• The Court & Spark
• Craig Taborn's Junk Magic
  
• Crystal Castles
• Cuff The Duke
• D'Ubervilles
  
• Daft Punk
• De La Soul
• Deadboy & The Elephantman
  
• The Dears
• Deerhunter
  
• The Delays
• Diamond Rings
• DJ Champion
• DJ P-Love
• Dymaxions
  
• The Early Morning
  
• Elliott Brood
• Fembots
  
• The Flaming Lips
• The Floor
• Flosstradamus
• From Fiction
• The Fruit Bats
• Future Islands
  
• Future of the Left
• Girl Talk
• Golden Horse
• The Good Life
• Grand Buffet
• Grizzly Bear
  
• Headlights
• HEALTH
• Hidden Cameras
• The Hold Steady
• The Hood Internet
• Howl!
  
• The Illuminati
• Immaculate Machine
• Interpol
• Jason Collett
• The Jesus Lizard
• Jim Guthrie
• Jokers of the Scene
• Jon-Rae & The River
• Katie Stelmanis
  
• Kid Koala
  
• Klaxons
• Land of Talk
  
• Laura Barrett
• Louis XIV
• Love is All
• Lovvers
• Lullabye Arkestra
• Lynx and Ram
• Magneta Lane
• Magnolia Electric Co.
• Make Believe
• Malajube
• Mazarin
  
• Menomena
• MF Doom
  
• MGMT
• The Midway State
  
• The Miniatures
• Muffled Suitcase
• The New Pornographers
• No Dynamics
• NQ Arbuckle
  
• Nuclear Power Pants
• Oakley Hall
• The Octopus Project
• Of Montreal
• Off The International Radar
• Ohbijou
• OK Cobra
  
• Olenka & The Autumn Lovers
• The Pains of Being Pure at Heart
• Peter Elkas
  
• Pharoahe Monch
  
• Ponytail
• Professor Murder
  
• The Race
  
• The Rapture
• The Raveonettes
• Read Yellow
  
• The Reputation
• The Riderless
  
• Rock Plaza Central
• Royal Wood
• Russian Futurists
• San Serac
  
• Sandro Perri & Friends
• SebastiAn
  
• Secret Machines
• Shad
  
• Shaky Hands
  
• Shudder to Think
• Slint
• Smith Westerns
• Sonic Youth
• The Sonics
• Spiritualized
• Stars
• Stereo Image
  
• The Stills
• The Talk
  
• Tangiers
• Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
• Teeth Mountain
• Tin
• Torngat
  
• Two Hours Traffic
• Two Minute Miracles
• Viperscheme
• Vivian Girls
• Voxtrot
  
• The Walkmen
• We Are Wolves
• We're Marching On
• Winter Gloves
• Wintersleep
  
• Wolfmother
• The Wooden Sky
• Wooden Stars
• The Wrens
• YACHT
• Yeah Yeah Yeahs
• Yo La Tengo
• Yoko Casionos
• Young Rival
  

Things I'm Looking Forward to This Summer

• Walking. Everywhere.
• Wearing short sleeves to nonchalantly show off my badass scar.
• Actually going to the beach this year, wherever it is.
• The weekends when College or Bloor Streets are closed for street festivals.
• Walking through those festivals in the middle of the road. Underrated feeling, walking down the middle of a normally ultra-busy street.
• Toronto Island excursions.
• Park sitting.
• Patios patios patios.
• The Hold Steady. Exploding Hearts. Nikki & the Corvettes. My summer rap playlist. Summer music in general, really.

• Buying a barbecue.
• Learning how to use a barbecue.
• Drinking beers on our balcony on sunny afternoons.
• Drinking beers on our balcony while barbecuing on sunny afternoons.
• Having an iPod dock for our balcony this year.
  
• Throwing a house party or two where people will be crammed out on our balcony instead of crammed in our living room and kitchen.
• The outside possibility that our long-imagined hot dog eating contest could actually happen.
  
• Sangria.
• Girls in summer dresses.

• Going to as many Blue Jays games as I want, via my Toronto Star Season Pass. This could be as many as 80 but will probably be more like 15.
• Watching any baseball game I want to all summer, via my $20 MLB.TV subscription.
• Ben moving to Toronto so we can waste way too much time watching and talking baseball. I mean that's not WHY he's moving here -- just a fortunate side effect.
  
• Finding out where Lebron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh will sign.
• Playing recreational and pick-up sports outdoors, health permitting.
• The two-hour LOST series finale on May 23.
• The Party Down premiere on April 23, and its subsequent season.
• The rest of season 3 of Breaking Bad.
• Plowing through the remaining 3.5 seasons of The Sopranos that I've yet to watch.
  

• Attempting to swim in the public pool at Dundas & Bathurst on warm nights, after being at a bar or show.
• Remembering not to jump into that pool with my jeans still on this year.
• Road-tripping to Chicago for the Pitchfork Music Festival.
• Not having to sleep upright in a leather chair every night while in Chicago this year.
• Wearing shorts. I don't care if shorts are lame.
• Having every window in the house open and still being hot.
• Hearing that damned ice cream truck announce its presence all over the neighbourhood.
  
• EATING FREEZIES!!
• Countless other small pleasures that I'm almost certainly forgetting.
  

Odds & Ends: Peanuts, Subway, Greetings, Tumblr

Thoughts while taking the TTC today:

• Peanuts are one of the most frustrating foods. What a mess. When I'm eating them at sporting events, I have to throw the shells a little further under my seat, rather than just dropping them straight down, so I'm not constantly stepping on them -- the feeling of those shells under my feet is really unpleasant.
• When I'm in subway stations, I always stand as far away from the tracks and as close to the walls as possible. That way no one can get "position" on me, if they wanted to push me onto the tracks. This is one of my biggest concerns in life.
• I've been thinking lately that I'd like to start greeting girls with a half-hug and peck on the cheek. This would make me feel at least 25% classier. I feel like establishing a consistent greeting would be difficult though, especially one that involved kissing people's faces. It's hard enough now, attempting to figure out whether or not to greet girls with hugs.
• I don't like Tumblr. I know it's the hot new blogging medium, but the way it's set up to accentuate link- and photo-sharing drives me crazy. Confession: I'm about 50% less inclined to consistently read a Tumblr blog than I am one on Wordpress or Typepad or Blogger.
  

Telling Time

It seems logical to me that, in the future, when someone is asked the time, they'll be less likely to say things like "quarter to six" or "twenty after nine." Instead, they'll just say "five forty-five" or "nine twenty."

After all, it makes sense that when someone is wearing an analog clock on their wrist, they'd define the time as, for instance, "quarter past." The presence of the hands on the clock, as opposed to numbers themselves, makes determining the time in relation to the top of the hour the easiest thing. Picking out the hour itself takes a second longer, since the brain has to convert the location of a point on the circle to a numerical value.

But fewer people I know are actually wearing wristwatches anymore. Everyone just tells time by pulling out their cellphones. When the digital cell phone's display reads "6:15," what that tells your brain is: "Six fifteen." It takes an extra second to think, "Okay, so that's a quarter past six." Not to mention the extra second it takes the person being told the time to think: "A quarter past six? Okay, six fifteen."

Does this make sense?

The Freecell Test

When I watch television shows on my computer, there are certain ones that pass "The Freecell Test" and certain ones that don't. Basically, the Freecell Test works as follows: If I'm sufficiently entertained by a show, I can sit at my computer for the duration of the episode, doing nothing but watching. This program has passed the Freecell Test. If the show isn't enough to keep me entertained, I'll shrink the screen from full-screen to half-screen, and use the other side of my monitor to play continuous games of Freecell. This way, I'm still able to follow the dialogue and the plot of the show but perhaps miss out on some nuances that I'd catch if it had earned my full attention. This constitutes failing the Freecell Test.

Some shows that pass the Freecell Test:

• Friday Night Lights
• Sons of Anarchy
  
• Breaking Bad
• Skins
  

Some shows that fail the Freecell Test:

• Modern Family
• How to Make it in America
• 30 Rock
• Mad Men
  

Sharing Earbuds

I may just be imagining this, but I feel like the image of a guy and a girl sharing a pair of earbuds to listen to a song has been used in some sort of romantic tv show or movie. The concept bothers me, and there are plenty of reasons why:

• Earbuds are just an awful form of headphone. I guess so many people use them because they're small, cheap, and sort of "stick" into place rather than jostling around. But they're flat-out awful. I am never comfortable putting things in my ears, and I can never get them to fit right.
  
• Even if they weren't uncomfortable, the sound quality would be enough to turn me off of earbuds. As a general rule, whenever a pair of headphones comes free with another product (ie. the iPod), they're not a very good pair of headphones. Maybe if I bought a $2500 television and a pair of headphones were included for free, they'd be decent. But they almost certainly wouldn't be earbuds in that case.
• The act of just using ONE earbud while someone else uses the other is irritating. This is 2010. Songs are recorded using stereo sound. What's happening in one ear isn't necessarily happening in the other. Listening to one earbud is like throwing a blanket over your television so that only half the screen is visible.
• Even if none of these aforementioned problems were a factor.... Even if the earbuds were comfortable, the sound quality was good, and I was listening to an album recorded in mono... I still wouldn't want to stick someone else's earbud in my ear. Normal outside-the-ear headphones, sure, but I don't want to shove something into my ear that I just saw you dig out of yours. Disgusting.
  

Why College Basketball is Like America's Next Top Model

The only time I exhibit any sort of interest in college basketball is when the March Madness tournament rolls around. I fill out a bracket and become attached to the teams I've selected to go deep in the tournament -- the underdogs, my Final Four, and so on. Over that first weekend, I'm completely involved in the tournament. That's where most of the best moments occur, whether it's the huge upsets, the buzzer beaters, or the instances when three great games end one after the other. However, as soon as those teams that I was attached to are eliminated, I become far less involved in the tournament. The remaining games still have their occasional good moments, and the drama is sometimes enough to keep me entertained, even without a team to root for. Generally though, I've lost interest long before the title game.



The only time I exhibit any sort of interest in modeling is when the new season of America's Next Top Model rolls around. I become attached to the girls who I'm attracted to and who I think I'd get along with in real life -- the ones with short dark hair, tattoos, and so on. Over the first couple episodes, I'm completely involved in the show. That's where most of the best moments occur, whether it's the crazy girls in the season premiere that clearly won't make the cut, the bizarre meet-the-judges sessions, or the hilarious reactions to drastic makeovers. However, as soon as the girls that I was attached to are eliminated, I become far less involved in the show. The remaining episodes still have their occasional good moments, and the drama is sometimes enough to keep me entertained, even without a girl to root for. Generally though, I've lost interest long before the season finale.

Buying Bananas

It's always bothered me that bananas come in bunches, where each individual banana is about as fresh (whether green, yellow, or... something else) as the others in the bunch. If you buy a bunch of, say, five bananas that will all go bad at the same time, it seems like there's a very small window of opportunity to eat them all without them being either too green or too old. Wouldn't it make more sense to buy five bananas from five different bunches? They could span the spectrum of banana shades between them, from greenest to yellowest. Then you'd be able to tell which one to eat first (yellowest) and which to save for last (greenest), and not feel like you had to eat a banana or two every day to keep them from going bad. Would this be too much of a hassle?

Product Placement in TV Shows

Last night's episode of Modern Family, which involved a main plot that revolved around the iPad, has inspired me to express my thoughts about product placement in television!!



Generally, when people talk about product placement, it's referred to as a necessary evil. Something that shows HAVE to do if they want to survive. It's looked at as something that we have to live with, rather than something that should be embraced. Which is why it's so unusual to read that Apple apparently didn't pay a cent for all the free iPad love that Modern Family gave it yesterday.

Alan Sepinwall, a TV critic that I love and read perhaps more than any other writer on the internet, hated the tactic, and was even more turned off upon finding out that Modern Family included their product placement free of charge. I thought it was great, and here's why:

It's unlikely that the Modern Family writing team was just hoping that Apple would be so enamored by the episode that they'd feel compelled to give out free iPads to everyone. What's more likely is that the writers felt that this was a product which its characters(*) would have a strong reaction to. They weren't writing this storyline because they were obliged to work in an Apple product somehow, but because they genuinely felt that this was a realistic situation for their characters to encounter. And it absolutely was. Not once throughout the course of the episode did I feel like a scene was written clumsily, for the sake of promoting the iPad. Every scene felt like a believable portrayal of how the characters, which have been pretty well established over the course of 18 episodes, would react if they actually existed.

(*) Or rather, one character: Phil

Isn't this exactly the way that product integration should be used? Another instance that I loved was in the early seasons of the American version of The Office, when Michael would constantly insist that any business meeting or work event happened at Chili's. Blatant product placement? Sure, but it felt organic, because someone like Michael would absolutely love a restaurant like Chili's, and be convinced it was the perfect setting for any event.

I've never really understood the faction that hates any sort of product placement or integration in television shows. If we want fictional shows to feel REAL, isn't product integration a must? Considering how much material possessions dominate our daily activities and discussions, it seems more unnatural not to mention them at all.

Sure, some shows do it poorly. Watching an old episode of The Sopranos the other day, I winced at a piece of dialogue that went something like: "Do you need to wear a wire? Here, we'll just go into Office Depot," followed by a shot of the big Office Depot building. It was so unnatural and stilted that it felt like it belonged in 30 Rock, parodying the entire concept. Shows like the new 90210 are guilty of this as well(**). The most hilarious instance of advertising in that show came when a mother told her newly-licensed daughter, "Don't forget we're insured... we're with State Farm."

(**) Drinking game idea for season one of the new 90210: Take a shot whenever you see a Dr. Pepper logo.



Product integration shouldn't be a dreaded aspect of television though. When it's done right, like on Modern Family, Friday Night Lights, or The Office, it comes off as a logical part of these characters' lives. And when you can achieve that AND get paid by the companies to do it (unless you're Modern Family), where's the downside?

iTunes Playlist: "summerrap"

The goal here is to compile a playlist (first mentioned here) that I can put on shuffle that would perfectly score sitting on my porch drinking a beer on a sunny June afternoon. Or perfectly score a mid-July pool party. That sort of thing. It's a work in progress. What the list so far has told me is that I consider the following characteristics to represent "summer":

1. High-pitched vocal hooks
2. Horns
3. Just Blaze production
4. Jay-Z
   

Suggestions welcome.

Why I Dislike April Fools Day

April Fools bothers me for the same reason that certain other holidays do. In the same way that St. Patrick's Day sees non-drinkers go out and drink, occupying every bar, April Fools enables the attempts of unfunny people to be funny. They have an excuse for their behaviour, since that's the entire point of the holiday. I wanted to sleep through the entire morning so that I could avoid the incessant "pranks" on the internet, but I could only make it to 9:30(*).

(*) On the plus side, I had an all-too-real 2012-esque nightmare that the world was ending and I was about to be killed, which renders last night's entry obsolete.

Indie Rock Songs I Liked When I Was 16 (And Still Like Now)

The Afghan Whigs - Gentlemen

This is exactly the type of song that defines my music listening of this era. I couldn't name a single Afghan Whigs album besides Gentlemen, and I haven't heard a single friend bring them up in conversation since. But for some reason, at the time, my internet research had convinced me that this album was a must-have. Whether it was a Pitchfork review or an Amazon recommendation or the subject of a discussion topic on MuchMusic's Wedge message board, whoever recommended this album made it seem important; essential. I bought into it and, even if hindsight suggests Gentlemen wasn't so essential after all, I'm glad I did.


The Beta Band - Dry the Rain

Yeah, I heard it in High Fidelity like every other idiot. And I was a big enough sucker to even buy the album based on that High Fidelity scene. Don't care. Still a great song.


Badly Drawn Boy - The Shining

There was a girl in my grade 12 writer's craft class named Sonja who worked at the Music World in the mall near my house. Despite the fact that I'd spoken about 10 words to her ever, I thought she was the coolest and most attractive girl in the world. I hadn't learned to talk to my crushes by age 17. One night, when I was meeting a friend at the movie theatre in the mall, I arrived a little early and stopped by Music World. I bought the Badly Drawn Boy album The Hour of Bewilderbeast, making sure to get in Sonja's line when I did so. I guess I was hoping that she'd recognize me from class and suddenly realize, because of the album I was buying, that I was one cool dude. This didn't happen. We exchanged about another 10 words, and I proceeded on to the movie theatre. But now I forever remember that exchange when I listen to this album, and I guess I'm okay with that.


The Reindeer Section - Sting

Now, I might turn up my nose if someone tried to get me to listen to something by dubbing it "a Snow Patrol side project." Then? I didn't even know who Snow Patrol were, and I listened to this song over and over in blissful ignorance.


Pavement - Summer Babe (Winter Version)

One of the hardest adjustments to make when I transitioned from listening to exclusively radio rock to discovering the "indie" sound of the 90s was the jarring lack of production. Slanted and Enchanted sounds like it was recorded in someone's basement, and for a long time, I wasn't feeling most of the record because of it. But a song like "Summer Babe" was so catchy that, unusual production or not, it couldn't help but win me over. Years of music listening have made lo-fi sound considerably more "normal" to me, and "Summer Babe" sounds better than ever for it.

Small-Scale Nightmares

I've been having a lot of dreams lately, which I can mostly attribute to all the naps I take. When I'm just napping for an hour or two in the afternoon, it's such a light sleep that I exist in a weird, constant half-awake, half-asleep state. My mind is racing through one dream after another, while I'm still aware on some level that I'm asleep in my bedroom.

Anyway, I've noticed that whenever i have a "nightmare" these days, the problem i'm faced with in the dream is so small-scale that it seems almost comical. I'm not dreaming about falling off cliffs or losing all my teeth or any of the usual nightmare suspects. These are the most angst-filled dreams I've experienced this week:

1. During a real-life conversation with my roommate about when we should see Hot Tub Time Machine, she informed me it was only playing in two theatres in town. Later that night, I dreamed that the film was actually only playing in ONE theatre, and that we'd missed the (cheap) Tuesday night screening at that theatre. Who cares.
2. In real life, a pair of friends is coming to town this weekend and we're going to a Toronto Raptors game together. They paid for my ticket, which came to $30, because I'd bought them each a ticket to this weekend's Japandroids show. Last night, I dreamed that the cost of my Raptors ticket had actually been more like $35 or $40, meaning I owed them a few bucks each. Who cares.

It's gotten to the point where I'm almost longing for a good, old-fashioned "I'm not gonna make it to my exam in time!!!" nightmare. Is my life so banal these days that this is all my subconscious has to stress out about? Does my real life need to be more interesting for me to start having interesting dreams again?

R. Kelly and Usher's Music Video for "Same Girl"

Trapped in the Closet enabled this video. The highlight of watching Trapped in the Closet is noticing all the little aspects of the plot and the action that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. When Rufus hears someone in his house, why does he look inside a dresser drawer? Does he think someone could possibly be hiding in there?! This is the sort of thing that makes watching Trapped so much fun. But I'm not sure I feel comfortable about extending this unique enjoyment to R. Kelly's music videos, which is why "Same Girl" is problematic.

The song itself is clever enough. R. Kelly and Usher trade descriptions of the girls they're dating, only to eventually realize that the details they're sharing are so similar that they must be dating the same girl (this is where the song title comes from). It's a fun back-and-forth duet with some great lyrics(*) and a killer hook.

(*) "So you tellin' me you know her?" "Do I know her? Like a pastor know his word."

The music video complicates things, and this is where I have to blame Trapped in the Closet again. The epic R&B opera has clearly bolstered Kells' confidence when it comes to storytelling(**), and as such, he feels compelled to end the "Same Girl" video with a twist: Kells and Ush aren't actually dating the same girl. THEY'RE DATING A SET OF TWINS!

(**) Like Trapped in the Closet, this video has a few other laugh-out-loud moments too. My personal favourite is R. Kelly's list of phone contacts. His entire list reads: Joanne, Shanee, Twon, Studio, and Usher. Really would've thought he'd have a few more numbers in there.

Look, if the song's lyrics consisted of these two buds trading purely physical descriptions of this chick, I could buy this surprise ending. But to recap, being 5'4" isn't the only thing this set of twins have in common. They also apparently each:

• Drive a black Durango with the license plate "ANGEL"
• Have a tattoo on their ankle
• Live in Peachtree, right on 17th St.
• Go by the nickname "T.T."
• Have a kid
• Love Waffle House
• Have a beauty mark on the left side of their mouth
• Went to Georgia Tech
• Work for TBS

I could write one or two of these things off as them living similar lives, BUT COME ON!! NO TWINS WOULD HAVE ALL THESE THINGS IN COMMON, R. KELLY! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL HERE??? This is basically the equivalent of The Sixth Sense revealing that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time, and you're taken aback for a moment. But then you rewatch the movie and realize that EVERYONE was acknowledging Bruce throughout the movie, and the surprise revelation makes no sense.