The Borowski Rule

Ah, the Borowski Rule. This sports=life idea was concocted by Ben Nicholson-Smith and me during a baseball-watching, beer-drinking porch-sit a couple summers back, and is also known as: "How Dating is Like Managing a Baseball Team's Bullpen." Its name honours former Indians closer Joe Borowski, who just couldn't lose his closer's role no matter how poorly he pitched.

For those unfamiliar with how a baseball bullpen works, here's a quick summary: After a team's starting pitcher is removed from the game, pitching duties get turned over to the bullpen, a collection of 6-8 players of varying talent and importance. The most high-profile of these arms is the closer, who pitches the final inning of close games. The closer, however, is not necessarily the most talented pitcher in the bullpen, an important point to remember when considering the Borowksi Rule, which goes something like this.....

If a girl I'm interested in is dating a guy, then for our purposes, she is the team's manager, he is her closer, and I'm merely another pitcher in her bullpen(*). Whether this guy is a top-notch option (think: Mariano Rivera) or a bit of a shakier choice (maybe Matt Capps), he's the man for now. To get a shot at the closing job myself, it's not necessarily enough that I put up a 1.50 ERA and strike out a batter per inning(**) -- he's still the incumbent, and unless he screws up a few times(***), I'm probably not getting my shot at the 9th inning.

(*) The 8th-inning setup man, of course, is the equivalent of the next-in-line guy for this girl. If you're the 7th man in the bullpen, pitching mop-up duty, it's time to either become a better pitcher or find a less-crowded bullpen on another team.
(**) Or: be charming, attractive, and hilarious.

(***) Blows a few saves.

Let's extend the analogy a little further.

When a team has no clear-cut 9th inning option, there are a couple of common practices. The first is an open competition for the closer's job. It's up to the candidates to prove themselves capable of the position, earning that manager's trust in a high-pressure role. In this case, there is a defined winner -- the other options in the bullpen may be lurking, but for now, one guy has emerged as the closer. The second practice is a bit more complicated, which brings us to....

Situations to avoid if you hope to close:

• Closer-by-committee: In this situation, a team doesn't name an official closer. They're giving a few guys a shot at the 9th inning, hoping that one will emerge, but not being too concerned if no one does. Maybe this team just isn't even really LOOKING for a closer at the moment.
• The Mariano Rivera: The closer is straight-up getting the job done. He's proven it time and time again. He's not going to falter, and even if he somehow does, his leash is going to be looooong. There's no chance you're getting any saves here. Move on.
• The Brad Lidge: When a team has committed a ton of time and money to a particular player, he'll often get a plethora of chances to redeem himself, no matter how bad his performance is. This isn't a guy you want to be behind when you're a setup man, and really... you have to question the logic of a team that would do this, right? The theory's namesake, Joe Borowski, also falls into this category.
  
• The Mike Gonzalez: Sometimes a team will outright tell you that, while they may be on the outs with their 9th-inning guy at the moment, they're gonna give him another shot when he straightens things out. If you don't mind being the interim closer in the meantime, that's your prerogative, but just know that it's not going to last forever.